Sometimes you are the rescuer some times you are the rescued. No one is one or the other. At times in my life I feel like the rescuer, doing something great for someone else, something uncalled for. This gives me a feeling of joy that I can't explain. Only someone truly in love that knows the bliss of doing something special for their special someone knows what I'm talking about. I'm 18 but I've already figured out what true love actually is. Someone older than me wouldn't believe me on this, and that I understand, it's a lesson that my own dad hasn't discovered yet even though he's coming up on his second marriage.
I loved my girlfriend and love her still, but now she's no longer my girlfriend, she's my ex. We broke up for a practical reason, our own dreams are what separated us. I want to be a web developer, I want to create a company that does something for free but makes money doing so. I want that company to get bought by Google. That's my crazy dream. Her dream is much different, she wants to be an anthropologist. She wants to help people in need all over the world. I can't say I truly share her passion, yes of course I want to help everyone, I would love to help end starvation, end AIDs all of that. But for her it's all she thinks of. She's not an idiot model who blindly says "I want to end world hunger, and I want all children to realize they're beautiful" she's the real deal. She has something I wish everyone had, and if we all did, the world would be a truly amazing place. She went on a missions trip to Africa and came back changed.
I didn't lose my girlfriend to another guy or even a girl... I lost her to a continent and a passion. She tells me every single day she dreams either she's in Africa or she's here in the United States seeing people she met in Africa. It's been 2 months since her trip and she's still dreaming these dreams. She tells me all she wants to do is go back. I don't dislike her at all. We're more mature than that, we always have been. We were the couple that nothing could stop us, we went through everything including having one of my exes trying to sabotage our relationship. We got past all of it, and we knew that nothing would be able to separate us, except if one of us cheated, and even then I don't know if I would have given up if she had. But I finally found the one thing that meant the end of "us", it was her passion to go to college get her degree, in a state far away from here, then to go into her career which will take her all over the globe, helping people in places that need her most.
Thing is, we both know me and I would have followed her, traveling with her everywhere she went if we'd stayed together, but we both know that isn't practical, she'd be paid for it and I wouldn't, I'd be footing my own bill putting me into debt.
Anyways as I was saying sometimes your the rescuer sometimes you're the rescued. In our relationship I felt like the rescuer whenever I'd do something great for her. I wanted to be her prince in shining armor kinda thing. However now that things have changed I'm now the one who needs rescuing. The past month that we've been separated has been hell on earth. I've truly discovered the meaning of hell. To her, hell and heaven were not a place but a state of being. I never really knew what she meant but I think I may now know.
For me I used to think of sort of a vision of hell where you're starving, you want to eat, and you can see food right above you, and every time you jump for it it goes up higher. It's sort of comical in a way, but now my vision of hell is different. Hell to me is knowing what you want and need more than anything in the world, and having it taken away then basically told you will never have it again. I want to be with her more than anything in the world, it's been a month and I still feel like it was just yesterday that she broke up with me. Luckily she's a good friend, my best friend, still. She cares about me and how I'm doing. I can go to her when I feel down and she can come to me, she's helped me through this a lot but I'm starting to feel I can't keep burdening her. She's going through similar feelings and everything so me saying I'm still dying inside won't help her to heal.
This was a long letter I planned to have it be split up into multiple ones actually.
~Me
